Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
