discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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