Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
