And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
