you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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