yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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