my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
