If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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