omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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