is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
