FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
