Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
