Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
