We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
