Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
