When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
