I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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