After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
