My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
