Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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