I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
