your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
