he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
