There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
