this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
