Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
