I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
