ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
