apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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