he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize