I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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