I faked an abortion last night.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
