he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
