September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
