I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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