: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
