she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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