at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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