I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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