We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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