I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
