For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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