she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Randomize
