There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
