I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
