so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
