My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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