oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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