I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize