even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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