I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
