I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
