my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
