So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
