Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
