i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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